ups and DOWNS...

this week has been ROUGH, to say the least.

It started off with me being just physically and emotionally EXHAUSTED on Monday...I had to drag my butt out of bed and somehow made it onto the treadmill for a cardio #1 session that seemed to last FOREVER, but afterwards I felt nice and energized and was good-to-go to start my day...and then it HIT. Approx. 9:30am (after just finishing Meal #2) the debilitating EXHAUSTION set in and I could barely keep my eyes open and I honestly felt like I could've fallen asleep face-first on my keyboard. The day wore on and on and I decided that I needed to "listen to my body" so I used it as a "rest day," which really just means a cardio-only day for me (no lifting session tacked on to it). I went to bed early with the hope that the extra "rest" would pay off and I'd be re-energized on Tuesday morning--which sadly, was NOT the case--at all. I felt WORSE during Tuesday's early AM cardio and all throughout the day I just felt sluggish...sigh...but I trucked on through and miraculously made it through my PM cardio AND a brutal leg circuit.

Unfortunately, I didn't snap out of this FUNK that I was in until Thursday morning after I'd taken my second (and last) "rest"/cardio-only day on Wednesday...maybe I was just that behind on sleep/energy? I have no idea what it was...but thank GOD it's over and behind me and I'm finally feeling "normal" again. Although, I should clarify--"normal" for me still includes being tired and achy, with the regular energy dips throughout the workday (usually around 10am and then again after lunch at around 2pm)...BUT at least on my "normal" days I still have my wits about me and can make it through the day without a struggle...

I can't even put into words the frustration I feel when I'm at the mercy of my body. The constant hunger pangs, the debilitating exhaustion, the mood swings, the energy dips--I feel like they're these 200 lb. weights dragging my entire body down, and as I much as I work to shake the feeling off, it lingers....I know I haven't been the most fun person to be around lately--D can definitely attest to that (sorry babe!)...and I know that I can do a lot better job in the future of managing my emotions and keeping my crazy in check...I know the pressure and stress of this competition is only going to continue to build as the next 6 weeks flies by, but when it comes down to it, it's up to ME to control how I react to it. I have a lot of exciting stuff in the works to keep me motivated and focused on the goal. The ultimate motivator lately has been the MIRROR as I see everything tightening up and those "problem areas" finally starting to melt away (HELL YES!!)...

So here's to pushing for more UPS than downs and making it through the next 43 days (eek!) ;)

GO ME!

It's been a ROUGH road so far, not gonna lie...and I KNOW without a doubt, there are many more struggles ahead of me, but let me tell you--I'm DAMN PROUD of myself. I know there are things we're not supposed to say out loud because of course it makes us seem self-absorbed, conceited, over-confident, etc....but there is something to be said about taking a step back after a long, hard workout and thinking F*** yeah, I destroyed that! There shouldn't be anything wrong with being happy with yourself for making good choices, proud of yourself for pushing through tough training sessions--that should be encouraged--celebrated!

All too often I'm self-depricating, self-loathing, altogether negative in my critique of my own physique and progress (or lack thereof), but the second I remember that once upon a time (not too long ago) I was an unhealthy 5'2", 165 lbs. and squeezing myself into size 11 jeans...I stop all that nonsense and can't help but APPLAUD myself for coming as far as I have already...an almost FIFTY pound weight loss is something I should be proud of! It's a damn shame that it has somewhere along the line become "unacceptable" for us (especially as women) to be proud of ourselves and celebrate our personal achievements.

On the flip side of all of this, truth be told, this weekend has been a rough one for me mentally. I feel time slipping out of my hands all too quickly as I stare down the calendar and realize that 7 weeks isn't nearly as long as it seems. I honestly feel like I'm under the wire and behind schedule...and it SUCKS! I'm still about 10 lbs. away from my goal stage weight and it's KILLING me having the scale stuck at the same damn place for weeks. So I knew I had to tighten things up in order to "trim the fat"...Coach flipped the switch and has me strictly doing RUNNING with HIIT sprints for my cardio from now on...and after 3 days of it, man oh man, it's kicking my bootay (and I mean that in the BEST way possible)...I'm trying my best to keep my head in the game and really just take it one workout at a time--otherwise, I'd just be completely overwhelmed/defeated by my lack of "progress" in the body weight department...

Reminder to self--there are ALWAYS going to be ups and downs, but if I take a second to look back and see how far I've come, where I'm going doesn't seem too far away.

HIGH gear

GYM. Meal. Work. Meal. Work. Meal. Work. Meal. Work. Meal. GYM. Meal. Sleep.

Repeat for another 50 days...then COMPETE!

You're SO jealous of my life right now aren't you?

It's really strange writing it out like that, but on the real, that's what every single day looks like for me at the moment, not to mention that I've been eating the same EXACT thing for the last 9 weeks and will continue to do so for another 7....BLAHHHHH!

Yes, it's been difficult and pretty frustrating at times--especially with my bodyweight not coming down as fast as I need it to. I've been waking up before the sun to bust my butt (literally) at the gym, hauling ass to work, coming home to scarf down dinner so I can head BACK to the gym for another 2 hours and then knocking out just to do the same thing 6 hours later...It's discouraging to step on the scale and not see progress. I look in the mirror on the daily basis and see changes, and I know that the judges will NEVER KNOW how much I weigh...they're scoring based on what they can see and only that...BUT weight is still an indicator of my progress and it's been taking way too long for me to drop those excess pounds.

So what now? Well, I step it up. I switch to running only (bye, bye stepmill!) and increase the sprint intervals. I cut down carbs and fats and add in a tad more protein. I leave myself to the mercy of my coach and just continue to push myself as hard as humanly possible to get the most out of every drop of sweat and every single second I'm hustling on that treadmill. I work--NON-STOP in the pursuit of my goal.

I've worked too hard to get to where I'm at now to let my foot off the pedal, even for a moment. I have to have tunnel vision and not let anyone or anything deter me from getting to where I want to be--standing on that stage looking my absolute BEST. Nothing less will do.

the LONG haul...

SIXTY-FIVE days....

When I stare at that number it seriously makes my head hurt. Somehow my laboring mind can't seem to wrap itself around how I'm going to survive another 65 days and retain any sense of sanity.

Today is a tired day. Yesterday was a tired day...and tomorrow will most likely be a tired day.

Coach stepped me up to two-a-day cardio, aerobic lifting, and added another leg circuit into my split...add all of that on to working full time, constantly doing Costco runs and grilling, baking, cooking, weighing food and trying to have some shadow of a "life" outside of contest prep and work--let's just say this girl is a little SPENT...

I know there are probably women out there who do the same thing with a lot more on their plate, so I can't really complain about my situation. I had heard time and time again that Contest Prep is one of the most all-consuming things one can put themselves through, and that is absolutely true! The best I can do at this point is take a deep breath, suck it up, and push through those sprints like there's no tomorrow, because really--there isn't. As overwhelming as 65 days sounds, it'll breeze by and before I know it, I'll be getting ready to set my clear heel onto the stage for the first time. I don't want to be standing up there knowing that I let the "process" get the best of me and failed to prepare the way I could have...

So I'll just press on, eyes on the prize--50 days down, only 65 days to go!